Free Comics and Old Pole Dancers

August 7, 2012
by J.D.Cook
 
I set out at the early hour of 1:45 P.M. to cash in my coins in order to turn that cash into comic books. My first destination was a grocery store just past one of Manhattan’s many bridges. The walk up was frustrating as it was hot and the store was further then I thought but don’t worry I kept on keeping on. Strangely I found my surroundings suddenly morphing. I walked from the lower tip of the Manhattan Island up the east side and found that once I passed the seaport my surroundings became suddenly menacing. As I trudged along up the coast of the island the tourists and rich were replaced with shifty eyed strangers and dirty concrete apartment buildings that had metal grating on the windows. I championed on in the pursuit of cash (so as to not have to embarrass myself by buying my comics with change).

I arrived at my destination and changed my change into…a receipt that had to be redeemed at the cash register. Unfortunately this store…which will remain unnamed…had extremely long lines! Only three of them too! So I got in the shortest line and waited…and waited…and waited…and waited some more. Finally…I was still waiting. It was here I noticed that this grocery store was a melting pot of the absolute worst stereotypes imaginable. There was a crazy old white guy who yelled out, ‘stock up on canned goods’, because ‘the revolution was coming’. Then there was a Spanish lady who turned and talked to the lady in front of me in complete Spanish before walking away and leaving her cart in place. The lady she had talked to turned to me and said, “I don’t speak a word of Spanish…I’m Korean”. Then there was the angry black woman.

This racial stereotype started screaming at the cashier, a small college age woman, because the cashier wouldn’t allow her to leave the store without paying for her food. Management finally showed up and kicked her out after she held up the line for a good ten minutes. As she walked away she screamed at the cashier, “I hope you get in an accident! A CAR ACCIDENT!” Then the line resumed its normal flow and we moved forward at last. Upon reaching the cashier I exchanged my receipt for my cash but before I left I was sure to tell the woman I hoped her day improved and as I walked away I joked ‘IIIiii hope you don’t get in a car accident’, with a nice emphasis on the I. Then I walked away hoping I had done some kind justice to the poor young lady and course corrected her bad day into a good one.

As I walked back I crossed under a bridge, still in the shady part of town, and heard a yell behind me. I spun around fists up and found a creepy looking man closing on me fast. A car drove past and he darted past me. I realized he was just delivering something. The rest of the trip back to the safe zone was easy except for the heat. Finally I reached the Seaport again but a block towards Midtown Comics I ran into an old woman in minimal clothing pole dancing with a crowd around her. I got a quick glance before bolting to the comic store at full speed. This day in the city had turned out stranger then I had imagined.

I reached my little slice o’ paradise and found the three comics I sought: Avengers Vs X-Men #9, Venom #21, and the 3rd of the Mass Effect Homeworlds Series. I reached the cash register and pulled out the cash I had gone through a heated walk, a horrid line, crazy stereotypes and old pole dancers for. The cashiers responded ‘might as well put away that wallet’, to which I asked, ‘WHAT?’ He then explained that because I was a morally good person and passed the ‘three trials’ I would be receiving the three comics for free. I inquired more and found out the first trial was the walk itself as the destination was further and much hotter then I originally anticipated. The second trial was saying kind words to the cashier and the final one was not photographing the old pole dancer. I thanked him and assured him I would continue to follow the path of the comic book hero as I ran outside ripping open my shirt to reveal…a hairy chest with no super symbol on it. In actuality I just earned the free comics because I am a good customer of Midtown Comics and have a rewards account but that’s how I felt! Comic Books inspire me to be a moral paragon and I may not be as good as Superman but ya know what? I’m pretty damn good.

Epilogue:

All the Comic Books I bought were amazing! Remender’s conclusion to the Savage Six arc of Venom was mind blowing and this was the first really good Mass Effect Home Worlds as the rest have been sub par. Avengers Vs X-Men started slow but just keeps getting better!

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